as much as i love me some technology, sometimes it becomes more than a little disconcerting. at work, i share an office with two of my coworkers. it's not really a cube, but it's modular tables and stuff. i have one corner, they have two of the other corners, and the last one is the entrance. there aren't dividers or anything up here, but we all have our backs to eachother. well, kinda. we're all facing our own corners. so . . yeah.

anyways, moments ago, i got a little two-second e-mail summarizing a conversation i had with one of them, in presence of the other, which was CC'ed to both of us. uh . . what? why did this happen? we were all there, we all have memories that last longer than 20 seconds. what's worse is that after this, coworker number two sent a reply back to both of us, informing me of how to make a change, and stating that she will make part of the other change. . . . what? why was this sent as an e-mail? why?! why can't we just turn around and talk, or not even turn around! just talk! i'm five feet away, i'll hear!

but i didn't say anything. instead i came to my php script to talk about it on the internet. :cool: [11.17.04@13:14]

the past 48 hrs have been kinda odd. i've had to reinstall the lunix on atmosk, which took far too long than it should have, but i got it done. so at least i have internets elsewhere in the house. unfortunately, sitting on the floor hunched over a keyboard for hours on end further exacerbated my skeeball injury. yes. skeeball injury. but that's another story.

so anyways, i got a base system running and iptables functioning, so i could finally take some time off with the internet while my back recovered. it hasn't yet. and nothing's on tv, so i haven't really had much to do, other than sit here and mope around. invariably, this state tends to result in Bad Things. like staring at gaim for hours on end. i found that People had come home, without a word said to me. but what, do they owe me something? we only spent over half of our lives in eachothers company, does this or does this not entitle me to, idunno, a notice? a hello? anything? am i entitled to one?

i can't answer that question. i don't know the answer. i'd think in the same situation i would do my best to find out who was around. i have done so in the past. but having the same done for me, apparently not. am i doing anything about it? well, no, for my usual reason of fear of rejection. fear of being told that 'no, i'm only here till sunday, i'm really busy, i'm sorry jeff.' even from my oldest friends, people i've known the longest, i fear this. possibly because i have the most to lose. so much time and emotion invested, just to be told they've moved on while i've stayed right here.

but, am i doing anything about it? my fingers function, i could fire off an instant message, i could pick up my phone, but am i? of course not, that'd mean opening up. and what would we do? i never think that far, i never know anything to do. last time i took initiative like that i ended up getting an RSI from skeeball. that's what i'm good at, injuring myself at creative yet crippling ways. but even then, what? what would i do? what would i say? be demanding? "hey, i read in your away message that you were home, why didn't you say something?" send out some generic noncomittal feelers and follow them up with "oh, but my back is out, i can't manage to sit up for more than 20 minutes". i'm finding that my interpersonal skills really leave something to be desired.

this is all probably wrong, anyways. i'm probably just going to sit here in pain, even though i've been taking 200mg of nuprin almost constantly. i probably won't say anything, because i'm spineless. i'll probably just continue drifting off from everyone i once knew.

or, you know . . not. [11.26.04@22:05]