sup, internet. in case you couldn't tell, i've been busytm. i got a job, and have been working 8-5 for the past month and change. while working full time is a New Thing to me, it's good. it feels like i'm doing something with my life, even if it is bugtesting and troubleshooting code. i still have time for things, just nowhere near the amount of time i used to have. and so writing on internet about things on internet using internet has had to take a backseat.
but today is going kinda slow, so i have taken this time to write a bit. it'll be good, it'll get me back into the grind of things, leading into my long weekend of crafting the depthchasers website into something amazing and new so andy can gleefully proceed to sell himself to developers.
so today, i bring you a wonderful true story of internet. it took place on internet yesterday, and the events preceeding it apparently also took place on internet using internet for no apparent reasons other than internet.
WARNING: TALES FROM INTERNET MAY CONTAIN DRAMA. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
so i was wasting time last night watching some anime. i had spent all day infront of a computer, so obviously, what i love to do when i come home is sit infront of a computer, but at least it's because i want to. i was trying to watch some stuff, and fighting with gaim over what gets to bug me. people had been prodding me wondering why spam assassin had become retarded, i don't know, dustoff must've broken it when he was un-breaking clamav. but that's Another Story.
i eventually convinced gaim to stop bugging me, and told it to queue messages. when i finished an episode, i took a moment to read my mail [which was spam, THANKS BROKEN SPAM ASSASSIN!] and answer whatever messages i had. one of the messages was from ping. i found this interesting, since i hadn't talked to ping in awhile. irc.skizzers.org blew up about a week ago, and we hadn't had a chance to get it back up and running yet, so we hadn't seen him there. and even then, back when irc.skizzers WAS up, ping had wandered off for a bit. but he does that occasionally, so it was nothing out of the ordinary.
i figured he was bugging me wondering where irc had gone to, and i was ready to tell him. but that wasn't it. ping had apparently been off doing what ping does, trolling livejournal. he's very very good at it, he's become so good at it that he ushered in the change of limiting who can or cannot friend you, and has introduced multiple gimmick accounts that garnered actual attention from the internet. what's kinda creepy is where he tends to lurk. he spends inordinate amounts of time slumming through amature homegrown goth/emo/obese/cutter/etc [or any combination] porn communities. i don't know why they let him in, but they always do.
so ping was wandering through one, and stumbled upon some pictures. something apparently clicked in his head, and made him think for a moment. i have to congratulate him on this, really. he has one of the best memories i know of for faces. personally, i really really suck at faces, so i can respect his find even more. so he prods me, hands over the pictures, and i peruse them as i generally do, because there's some glee to be had in laughing at some internet freak ping has found and ridiculed. they seemed to be average fare for ping. some mildly emo-ish girl, topless, making cupcakes. why cupcakes? mankind may never know, or want to know.
so ping asks me, "do we know her? i recognize her from somewhere. did she have a site at skizzers or something?" and i have to think for a bit, we haven't hosted many girls. let alone girls with black hair. and then it hits me, could it be kris? i was never really tight with kris, she was friends of Other People. i had never even seen her much, just a few times on a horribly blurry cam, and once when i briefly met her three years ago. but as i said, i suck with faces, and i'd Rather Not Believe.
but my curiosity gets the better of me. i go hunting. i check out the domain said images were hosted on. nothing i recognized, no mentions of names, just a half-built site. i look for whatever pictures i have available of her. close, but not enough for me to say "OMG IT'S GOT TO BE HER1!11" because again, i really didn't want to believe. i mean, there are lots of girls on the internet.
then i ran the domain. whois says kristen nichols. it's her. good job, ping.
about 20 minutes later, once i had stopped laughing, i took a moment to think. what exactly posesses people to do this? what posesses people to think that posing for such pictures would be a Good Idea in the first place, let alone that it would then be a Good Idea to willingly post them on the internet? furthermore, WHY CUPCAKES? WHY HAVE YOU DEFILED THE SANCTITY OF CUPCAKES? the conclusion i came to is that it has to be something along the lines of the Imp of the Perverse. some kind of urge to do things you know are the absolute most horribly wrong things ever, but do them anyways, because the imp says so. it's the same force that drives morons to go off and make the greatest internet-crippling worm of all-time, or to ddos sites for no discernable reason, or to vandalize websites without a message. there is no reason, they can't even determine what caused them to do it if you ask them, they just did it.
perhaps i too have been posessed by the imp of the perverse in writing this. i know it's going to do nothing but cause some pain, or stir up some shit, or result in people knocking down my e-door and yelling at me. i know this, i know it for a fact, but i'm still writing it. because when things happen on internet, the obvious response is to post about it on the internet. it's how these things work. [07.02.04@12:39]
FACT: sierra mist tastes more like sprite than sprite tastes like sprite. [07.07.04@10:18]
ok, i'm convinced now. there's no way around it. it is my goal in life to hunt down and kill whoever is responsible for the current hummer commercials. really. it'll be better that way for all of us. really. whoever it is who dreamed these things up have no hold whatsoever on reality. the commercials sucked back when it was something that just didn't make sense because it was incongruous, like the one i have previously ranted on and on about, because they defiled the glory of asteroids. but now they're just . . wrong. they aren't even trying to have some kind of basis in reality, or any kind of vague attempt at a callback like with the asteroids one.
see, there are two commercials in the recent set. one of them consists of . . uh . . something i can only describe as a copier-machine's-eye-view . . . except . . it's copying . . a hummer? zuh? and then the hummer starts moving all weird and stop-motion? through the woods? what the fuck? oh, and there is some kind of horrible simpletalk voiceover. and shitty techno. and really, what the fuck are they thinking? what is this supposed to be TELLING ME? is it just supposed to confuse me? HOW IS THE HUMMER DRIVING THROUGH THE WOODS?! SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!
and as i said, that's just one of them. the other one is even more abstract and lame. it's a . . jungle . . thing? but with feathers? and it's all randomly washed out and such. and there's a giant snake . . . and then a hummer. and something in the background going BOOP . . BEEP BOOP . . BEEP BEEP . . . BOOP. randomly. and this is somehow a commercial. BUT HOW DID THE HUMMER GET THERE?! WHAT PLANET AM I ON?! SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!
really, guys. if you're going to sell a hummer, do it right. have a commercial that at least makes sense. get bob, the creepy plastic guy from the enzyte commercials who becomes well endowed through the wonders of modern science. get him, and just replace enzyte with a big black chromed-out 2004 h2 with spinners. i swear, it'd work perfectly fine. you could use the exact same scripts as the enzyte commercials. GAH. speak of the . . fucking enzyte commercials. i start talking about them and they go back to playing enzyte commercials. back to back. fuck you, television. [07.08.04@21:48]