it's been tough lately to be content. i've been having to do things i've never really been good at over the course of my life. accept defeat, accept failure, ask for help, depend on others, not be in control. for some reason, i've just, never been good at these things. i've always trudged on, and found some magic way to fly in by the seat of my pants [or sometimes less], and make everything right, or at least right enough that i don't have to lose. but over the past few weeks, i've nuked all that.
i've finally accepted my place within the realm of academics. i've figured out a plan with the help of admissions staff and with the help of engineering student services. i have a plan, for once in my life. it's not as glamorous of a plan as i'd like, but it works. it's something i can live with, and it's a decision i was actually a part of making, not just a deal of "i have no other options, so i'll just go with this one".
i've started projects and finished projects and dealt with events where i was not in charge. i've started websites which i will have little or no involvement in. i've been able to hand these sites over to their maintainers, and not had the overwhelming urge to nitpick and change everything because they did something wrong. i've found ways to release.
but despite this stuff, i'm still not really content. i'm handling it better than i expected, given past lack of experience with such things, but i've not really ended up content. i feel decent, because for once i've been able to do all these things, and not lose it, but i don't really feel good about it. so . . it's kinda tough to explain. but i do know what does leave me feeling better than average. turning the ac down to 70, cracking open a frosty bottle of code red, and knowing that in a few minutes i'll be watching rahxephon dvd 2. [05.07.03@11:39]
there's something unnervingly surreal about these commercials for yellowbook. i think it's the composition and assorted weird angles they use.
or maybe the people just can't act.
i'm not really sure which. [05.08.03@08:18]
for some reason, it seems like every time i touch the cam portal, i end up rewriting large chunks of it. oh well. so is life. just remember, you're next, edit thingie! you sure look like you want to go to v2.0!11!! we'll fix you up nicely. but right now, it's cam portal. cause it's stupidly early, i'm sick, and instead of sleep, my brane says "NO, IT IS TIME TO CODE!" [05.24.03@02:47]
hoorj, i appear to be getting better. or at least, less-broken. breathing no longer hurts, just when i reeeeeally breathe in deeply. deeper than i'd ever really need to. unless i was, for some reason, actually doing something physically exertive. seeing as my daily routine includes such complex activities as "walking around the house" and "getting the mail" and "rolling over", i don't think this will pose a problem. i figure it'll be another few days until my back truly completely heals, but at least now it's to a point where i can properly avoid making it hurt. and i don't seem like i'm coughing nearly as much now, so that's good too.
since i've got a nice stash of money at the moment, and because prices on amd processors are going through the floor on a daily basis, i've decided to start building my new machine, which will most likely be named naota. gotta keep my FLCL theme going, what with atmosk and kanchi. motherboard should be here some time this week. case should be here sometime late this week, early next week. after that i'll probably have to work something out to get my processor/extra cooling. estimated build date is somewhere in june. probably 16th-27th. that'll give me time to get some more bills sent out and recieved, plus time to clear off my credit card. i've got everything figured out but cooling for the processor. i think i'm going to use the stock heatsink with a new fan, but i'm just not sure yet. this stuff is still a *bit* beyond me, and i really want to do it the best and cheapest way possible.
unfortunately, these don't always overlap. [05.27.03@07:03]
looks like naota will be built a week early. my second round of hardware should be in by wednesday, that'll cover all my fans. also by then, my $300 deposit should have cleared on my credit card, leaving me with ample available credit with which to purchase my third round of hardware from newegg. amd xp 3000+, two rounded ide ata133 cables, and a rounded floppy cable. this way i can replace my sad ghetto home-made rounded ide cables with new shiny ones. cause hey, might as well. i'm doing this computer right. no more legacy shit. no more 20 year old cables salvaged from random machines. oldest hardware on this machine will be my speakers, circa 1997. next oldest after that would be my tv tuner and my 40 gig hard drive. then the ram.
after all this is over, my next upgrade will be either a gig of the fastest ram my mobo can handle, or a dvd burner. two things i really don't want to worry about. dvd burners still worry me. they scare me with their neverending assortment of bizarro modifiers for names, and funky media. but i'm motivated because it's better backup than cdr's.
oh well. time to go sleep for a few hours. gotta be conscious for my requesite monthly human interaction. [05.31.03@05:33]