don't mind me. i've been wallowing in self pity for the past few weeks. i've been getting rather good at it. like today during ja. i just curled up in there and went to sleep. its been weird. usually i can get away from the generic and overly depressed feelings by going to sleep. it tends to be one of the main reasons why i sleep for inordinate amounts of time whenever possible. twelve hours. sixteen hours. twenty hours. all not really that difficult when i feel this bad. in recent days, however, sleep has provided no means of escape. almost every time i manage to coerce myself to sleep, the only results are nightmares, visions of death, assorted other forms of terror. it really isnt all that fun. they've been flipping between bad, worse, and completely unbearable. to the point that many nights i just dont sleep. i'll sit in the corner in my room and try not to think. even that refuses to work now. if its not psychological its physical. i've also been fighting off a sinus infection, an occasional stomach virus, migranes, and allergies. my back also hasn't been doing its best as of late. some of the work i've been doing back at ids recently has been fucking it up significantly. this, combined with my extremely short bouts of actual sleep, in positions only i could manage to sleep in, results in my already bad back just getting exponentially worse. it reached an extra bad point by about 1345 today, when i was walking back down to mattox's ja after talking to dr tubb about my extended essay. i had awoken from unsettling dreams only moments before, so its debateable if i was really totally consious by this point. the nightmares from the first half of ja werent as clear as the ones from tuesday morning, though. but, they seemed vivid enough. it was weird, though, since the dreams didnt surface immediately. i was walking down the main staircase after speaking with dr tubb. the bell had already rung, so no one was in the halls. and my back hurt significantly. it felt like i needed a bar or a doorframe to hang onto so i could pop my vertebrae back into place. or a rack. i could've settled for a rack. but it'd have to be remote controlled, since its tough to control those while you're being stetched out. so i was walking down from the third floor. i looked up after turning around headed towards the second floor, and realized that there was a nicely sized support bar on the side of the railing above me. it was high enough up that i could hang from it, and far enough out that i wouldnt be slumped into the other railing, but also not too far up that i'd have to exert effort to get up there. so i jumped. from there i'm not completely sure what happened. as i was hanging there the feeling of simply hanging flashed back to part of one of the previous dreams where, even though it isnt usually one of my more preferred methods of dispatch, i had hanged myelf. i saw myself dangling there. somehow, i lost track of time rather significantly. i could've been there for a few seconds, or for nearly a minute. all i know is that when i came to, i had fallen down the few stairs ahead of me, and my right hand was bleeding rather well. i somehow stumbled back to ja and washed my hand off. where i hadnt cut myself it appears i managed to get significant blood bruises. it just screwed me up more than i really needed to be screwed up. i already feel as if i'm going to be isolated from everyone for the next few months, which is really something i should get used to, but it just feels wrong when i dont really even feel like i get to talk to anyone online anymore. i mean, i've been sitting here since five. only mike has bothered to speak to me. i didnt even see anyone else apart from kristen, but that was only for a few moments. it just feels like i've poured so much time and effort into all of this. and when i need some reciprocation, no ones there. not even just a situation of people being there and not caring. then i'd have people to yell at. but now i dont even have people around to blame. but should i really? of course not. i put myself in this situation. i had a way out. i had several ways out. i still have a way out. and what am i doing? i'm sitting here bitching to myself about how i have no one to bitch to. why should i take action when that could very well result in being driven even further into my hole. to even further seperate me from the people who i care about, who i feel keep me rooted here in reality. and at this point i'd rather continue on a constant path of suckage than go on a binge of quick positives leading to an easily forseeable horrible burning end. [02.08.01@23:22]