i've found that if i don't read, i feel uninformed and empty, since people sure as hell arent going to talk to me if theres something going on. its one of those things i'm so used to doing, reading as much as possible, absorbing as much information as possible. observing. i'm good at it, its what i do. however, i've found that as of late, reading has started making me sick. i become physically ill when i force myself to sit down and read. it pains me. pains me deeply, that i can't do one of the things i've based my eternity now online on.

but anyways, i think to get my mind off of it, i'll go get around to doing all the things i promised i'd do a long time ago. yur. leik, all of them. [11.03.00@20:07]

i feel lovely at the moment. absolutely lovely. i so need a break. i really hope i can just go in and sleep all through thanksgiving break. i may wake up for a bit to watch the tbs movie marathons, cause they'll prolly be showing assorted good stuff like back to the future. they tend to do that yearly. i like it when they do that. mm. it still annoys me how much i've been ignoring everything. its starting to feel like work. this isnt supposed to be work, this is supposed to be fun. i think its everything else going on in my life right now that makes having fun feel like work. its this overwhelming feeling of work. like if i'm not doing work that i'm doing something wrong. i've alleviated this feeling by filling my life as of late with large amounts of filler. dead air. large quantities of it. it makes me feel empty. it makes me feel like i'm not doing anything. but it doesnt feel like work. i cant stand feeling like i'm working. it makes me feel too structured. i can't stand structure of this level. deadlines coming up when no one tells me. i need to either be given full ridgid structure or be given no structure at all. none of this shite where i'm occasionally given a vague idea of what i'm doing, and the rest of the time its make it up as i go along, but if i misstep it all goes down the tubes. i'm sick, too. did i mention i'm sick? did i mention just how awful i feel because i'm sick? not actually due to being sick, but because it means i'm endangering lives. thats the part that kills me. that by my existance in this end of the house, i'm putting a life at risk. its bad enough to have levels of responsibility put on me that i have due to ib, but this is just so much worse. but i'll be gone soon. a few months away. it'll all be gone and i can go back to living. i can get out of this dead airless heat and move on to a real life with pages and everything. where people only sometimes get what i'm saying, but where i get to stop thinking. i get to stop thinking so i can start thinking again. reprogramming. regression. shift. change. i'll feel worse but i'll feel better. lower quality in higher quantity. its what the masses want. except i'll be churning smaller things out of high quality, and when necessary i'll pop out big things. big things that make changes. thats my goal here. to change things. theres always something wrong, and i know i have the power to create massive change. not always as massive as it could be, but massive enough to make me feel good. i live by these changes. its what keeps me going. like an addict. i hope that some day i will be able to do something despite the change it gives, if any. i hope i'll eventually be able to blindly march into something. i think to much about not thinking. i need to stop that. stop thinking about not thinking, and just start marching blindly into situations despite the consequences. i wonder what consequences this will bring. i know people read this, even if i don't update. but if i don't update what are they reading? why do they keep coming back? just to see if i updated? i feel like i'm leading people on by not letting them jump right into content. makes me feel icky. much like how i do when i see something i could change but that cirumstances don't let me change. i've run into far too many things like that in the past few days. i wonder why i'm writing at all when i feel if people want to say things that they should say them. that its a shame to see the spoken word die. then again, this doesnt really qualify. theres nothing i have said here that i havent previously told someone. in many cases, this is stuff i've repeated to several people. perchance the problem is just me. i'm the only one who doesnt have time to read, or feels afraid to read. i know people visit my site constantly, my hits rarely go up or down. its always a steady number. couple hundred hits weekly is decent for not having content. i said i was sick earlier, right? is it showing through? i havent shaven in about 5 days now. i think its time for sleep. sleep lets me stop thinking, even though it makes me think more. i just cant tell. [11.15.00@19:02]

here i am. waiting for the tv to be out of use. i'd quite like to put my $4 to use. oh, look. braed runnah is on. mmm.. right, forgot. i should've done this earlier. hey, my birthday is coming up in under a month now. bout 28 days. to make things easy on everyone this year, you can pay tribute to the owner of skizzers.org [and in many cases thereby your resident evil overlord] from the comfort of your own home. just wander over here and click the happy buttons. right. anyways, i think i'm going to go watch blade runner now, and hope to get control of the tv some time in the next eternity. cause i'd really hate to see my $4 go to waste. [11.23.00@23:22]

can i plug this a bit more? please? *coughs* ugh. one of two things is going to occur here. either i'm going to get better, and i'm going to then get sick again for my birthday, or i'm going to stay sick untill december 23rd. ye know, maybe its best if my cousins don't stay here very long. cause i have an extended essay to write over winter bre^W^Wwinterval. i keep forgetting its there. maybe i should just make random sections of this rant a link. maybe i should make it so that it switches to the wishlist every time you go here. yeah. a great idea. cram it down peoples throats. not really their throats, though. just optic nerves. yeeeaaaahhhh.. suck it down yer optic nerves. ph33r my push technology. but no, i'm just going to go with the random links. that should work well enough. c'mon, i just want some nice dvds, of movies i never got around to buying on vhs cause i hate vhs. vhs is icky. i only own five movies on vhs [widescreen of starwars and the matrix]. sure, i have other tapes, like my exhaustive collection of winnie the pooh tapes, and the GAME TAPE, and a few other things, like this video of some nirvana concerts. dvd is just so much nicer. i like being able to have six hours worth of terminator two stuff on one disc. its just so shiny.

oh, and apparently since i'm selling my old cd burner to isaaaaaaac, i'm actually going to have money. so if you just happen to purchase something for me off of ye olde wish-list, it will be compensated by me.. ur.. doing something.. which may consist of going to the dollar store and getting something funky. or by sending assorted amazon stuff in return. i dont know yet, but i'll theoretically have money to do theoretical stuff with. so, buy. consume. purchase. [11.30.00@15:34]