it's october already?. i must not have been looking, again. oh. that'd be why. see, i've been sitting here pretty much solid all weekend. i've accomplished a couple things.
yay! two more days till kid a! wheeee! [10.01.00@21:03]
this cd is the best thing thats happened to me in the past few months. is it a sign that the cd is simply an amazing work of art, or is it a sign that my life has hit an all-time low? i'm not sure at this point, but the radiohead is keeping the evil evil mean bad thoughts out of my head. so it can't be the latter. also because lots and lots of people agree with my feelings about the cd. so there. i'm not crazy. right. or i am, and the nice music is just drowning everything out much more effectively than i expected it to. do i really mind anymore? do i really expect my life to be some wonderfully happy thing? i dont think i do. i think i've finally regressed to a point where i've re-embraced apathy, and just move along. to a point where i'm just coasting again, untill i reach a new point where i decide i can start over from ground zero on everything. my life has just gotten to a point right now where everythings too screwed up at the root to expect anything of any significant measure to occur randomly. and no one seems to want to fix what problems still vaguely exist. so i figure i'll just go back to not really expecting much from anyone, and being surprised by little things that occur. mostly i'll just sit back and enjoy the ride, while i listen to my radiohead cd. [10.03.00@17:06]
i've been slacking off regarding my site again. i really feel bad about it. but i need to remember that i write here for me, not for anyone out there. mainly because i know a whole 5 or 6 people are really out there. but perchance this number would go up if i actually did this frequently. perchance then more people would visit. but then i'd be doing this to jump through hoops so people would make me feel appreciated. i can't let myself do that.
anyways, i'm truly going away for the first time in around 4 years on saturday, making my first of hopefully two trips to uml. i'll be gone all weekend. so. yeah. why am i saying this? everyone who gives a shit knows already. who am i talking to, then? i can't stand that. i desperately want to think theres an audience here, but i just don't know. so i don't know if i should speak like i'm speaking to an audience, or just speak like i usually do. so that the audience can be myself, myself at a future date, giant nonexistant groups of people, the wall over there, my handful of close friends, or people i've never met. oh well. i'll just move along now. i'll probably write some stuff on the trip, and never really post it, cause i've *never* posted any of the rants i actually take the time to write out. but i can always change.
even if i don't end up posting it immediately, it'll show up when i scan in everything from my sketcpad..oh, and 5 golden inphie points to the first person [apart from ping. sorry ping!] that can identify the current splash image. [10.19.00@18:21]
rarely, yet sometimes still, i get the feeling that i'm merely existing. that things arent going as well as i'd like them to around me and within me. like i have nothing to say. like anything i attempt to do either fails miserably or backfires as efficently and completely as possible. i just go. i move along. i know where i'm heading in the long run is a good place, and a place i want to be. at the same time, i know there's large quantities of things i should be doing to get there. but i feel myself moving regardless, so i dont. and i keep moving.
i see things that i'd really like to fix. i see things that i should make effort at resolving. i see people i want to help. i try, but its either percieved as a worthless effort, or makes such a nonexistant change that the attempt to help is ignored completely. or i try and get yelled at, and then ignored. and i keep trying.
sometimes i wonder what happens if i find out why i keep moving. is it the kind of deal where if i understand why i'm doing this, that it'd completely break? is it really that i can accomplish all i really need to accomplish without trying? if this level of effort results in mediocrity, what happens if i put forth effort? i feel i'm too busy exerting effort everywhere else to bother. and since i'm not doing *badly* theres no reason to fix it.
i just have this overwhelming urge to make fix things around me. i never fix things with myself. perhaps its because of my track record. perchance if i tried to fix myself i wouldnt be here now. wouldnt feel tied somewhere. i feel held back and pushed forth at the same time. nothing around me is being logical anymore. before everything was nice and sequential. before everyone started trying. now everythings just wrong. unspoken animosity seeps out from everyone. i wonder some times if i'm the only one who senses it. or if i'm just the only one who cares.
oh well. [10.25.00@15:43]