right! welcome to september [still] and welcome to the latest incarnation of my site! oh boy! this is filler! cant you tell!? [09.02.00@17:39]

i feel emotionally dead. strike that. not quite dead. moreso drained. empty. like theres nothing left to give. like theres nothing going on behind my eyes. i dont know where it came from. i'd like to say it came from putting this design together. i'd like to say that this is a normal and expected feeling that results from such an experience. but i cant. i can just sit here and try to understand whats wrong. even my speech here feels dead. i think, that if this had to be spoken. that it would best be relayed through a nice stephen hawking-style electronic voice. mainly because that is how its sounding in my head. lovely thing, that. i think if i look around enough, i'll find that the voices i have in my head are all the ones from simple talk, plus my own, plus fielle's. note that these arent voices in my head as most people would understand them, they're voices that i can replay things as. like, the voice i think through. this making sense? the voices i can read things to myself as.

yeah. i know i'm just crazy. but i'm crazy and emotionally drained. and about to pass out. i cant tell if the about-to-pass-out part is because i'm emotionally drained, or because i'm exhausted. i don't think its because i'm exhausted, because i haven't done anything today to *make* me exhausted. i've spent the entire day sitting here. thinking. except for the 4 hours i went in to watch movies. tbs is my friend. they do *good* things like play back to the future and star wars back to back. it was nice, because they lined up perfectly with the smashing pumpkins concert i just recorded. bleh. that thing is going to be a chore. tomorrow i'll be slicing out all the commercials. that should be loads of fun. it'll give me something to do before andre gets here. ugh. why the hell does editpad keep doing that? it keeps pretending i didn't type something. perhaps i'm just too tired. but how? where did it come from? i've been better-rested over the past few days than i have been over the past month. well. right. i'm passing out now. tomorrow i have to play games. hopefully, i'll clean off the couch, so that i can take a break when my head starts trying to explode.

mm. perhaps i should attempt to get the live feed working now. yeah. i think i'll get that going right now. so it'll work for tomorrow. [09.03.00@23:34]

well, i don't really feel emotionally drained anymore. now it feels more like i have encountered a rather nicely sized mass, that happened to have substantial force acting on it. not quite like a train, because i dont think it had all the metal bits. but. yeah. i just plain hurt. overall. what with the general aching from my back, constant loss of feeling in my legs, and headache that feels like a mallet is a viable option.

right. well. i'm headed off. ah've got a few terragen deals i need to upload. i'll get to 'em tomorrow. tomorrow or friday. also need to give away the broken-frisbee@skizzers.org address. dunno who to give it to. i think i'll just give it to both dave an' pat. just to see what happens. [09.06.00@21:07]

we were talking about goya again today in spanish four. i pay too much attention to these lectures. its sad, really, considering that theres this big negative thought blob sitting at ten. but thats besides the point. she keeps doing this. she keeps trying to remind us that genius, in many cases, results in insanity. on the surface level, i thought that this was somewhat inappropriate, considering the numerous times i've completely lost it in there. then i thought about it a bit, and remembered that it's true. the more brilliant you are, the more inherently screwed up you have to be. sure, theres the occasional person who gets the best of both, or at least learns early on to make it appear so. thats all that matters. appearance. it all depends on how things look. if you smile and nod your head, people just kinda go "oh, jeff must be having a better day today." untill i lose it and start screaming again. i've come very close to this point over the past few days. really. where i decide that it wouldnt really hurt anything any worse if i just started yelling at people. and hey, it'd make me feel better.

the other problem with brilliance is that when you get enough of said brilliant people together, things just don't tend to work. because, hell, we're human. we're human, and we're all more screwed up than usual. things break. people break. you start over. the only thing you can hope for is that you find a way to prevent conflict. because when you're dealing with emerging levels of expression, one false step breaks everything that has been developed. when sources of conflict arise, you have to destroy them completely untill they no longer exist coherently enough to pose any semblance of a threat.

i shouldn't have allowed the creation of that damned forum. it would've prevented so much.

this all feeds back to the reason i have such difficulty seeing people curl up. i see it as tearing themselves from the group we all depend on for our vague, collective, sad attempt at sanity. i see it as forfeting- as handing over the only meaningful human trait we possess. it pains me like nothing else can. to see such incredible minds go to waste. i cant bear to see it happen again.

if the world is not well by sunday, i will be forced to end this destructive conflict. [09.09.00@00:23]

i say we all just need to give up. we all need to collectively agree to stop the bullshit and try our best to heal. we need to stop expecting someone else to do it for us. if we truly do need someone to do it for us, thats what the others are here for. we're all here to help. we need to stop pouring ourselves into these blank pages for a bit, and just talk till everythings better. thats all i was really asking for in the beginning. either way, i'll be taking a break from the page here for a bit untill i get everything worked out. because i feel these six people mean more to me than this effectively worthless set of documents. [09.11.00@20:02]

alright. things are back to about as normal as they'll be getting. anyways. i'm now having to put work ahead of site. mainly because i have this guy hanging over my head, with a deadline of october 26th. but anyways, yes. we're getting back on track 'ere. hopefully. really. i mean it. i just have more important things to do. after the important things are done, i'll have time to do wacky-fun things like rant incoherently about mindless crap. cause 's one of the few things i do well. [09.18.00@21:17]

bleeeh.. finally got around to uploading 0015. thats about it. full details on what happened last night when i feel better. or possibly when i have the pictures developed. i dont know. i think i'll go watch some assorted anime now.. oh, hey, and i fixed the link to the ps2 picture below.. [09.23.00@22:38]