meh. so much for sleeping thru the fake millennium. high point of the night was watching numerous re-plays of the wacky wacky the french peoples blowing up th' eiffel tower. aside from that, was the coolest clock known to mankind, the countdown one they had on abc. it went 4:04 - 4:03 - 4:02 - 4:01 - 3:00 - 3:59 - 3:58 .. etc. fielle picked up on that, seeing as i couldnt read the anti-aliased pt. 10 times new roman clock on my cheezey li'l 14 inch tv from across the room. especially so since i hadnt been able to quite see straight since the night before, when i was putting my site together..

in other news, i cant wait to run around finding things that i consider passe, and exclaiming "like, that is *so* ninteen-ninetys." mua! [01.01.00@14:08]

mm.. i think its back. mhmm. yep. def'netly back. why wont it just go away and stay away? [01.05.00@19:22]

why did i even bother opening this window? i know i'm just going to be spending most of my time in the chocobo world window. i'll come back to this. i may actually have something to say. [01.07.00@22:44]

well, got another thing to tack onto the list of substances i have a petty addiction to. green tea. ranks up there with pepsi and chocolate-covered peanut butter rice crispy treats. mainly get it from the wonderful sobe products. mm. sobe makes good stuff. good stuff that i get a nice placebo-induced buzz from. currently been trying to track down the half of their line thats pretty much just green tea, with assorted things crammed innit.. their generic green tea just dunt have enough wacky stuff innit to convince my brane that its doing its job.

mm.. aside from that, theres the deal from my last message. i've apparently been letting squaresoft melt my brane a bit too much lately. see, back when ff7a was released, i thumbed thru the instruction manual k'vn got. it started to try to mumble about a special memcard-ish thing that would be like the vmu for dreamcast. so i asked the all-knowing d00d at software, etc about them. he has no clue what i'm talking about. so i had k'vn break out the instruction manual. the guy said that they prolly wouldnt be releasing them over here. so i gave up on it.

then i remembered that they're making the port of ff7a to pc, so theres a chance. and, well, i was right. few days ago square released chocobo world, the pc port of the handheld game. you play as boco, everyone's favourite chocobo from ff5. you run around beating up on assorted enemies that show up for no apparent reason. you collect items that can be ported over to the game, very *odd* items. they're given to you by the shiney cactaur who wants to be your friend. every once inna while you also get assaulted by a ravenous moomba, who tries to pawn off lame weapons on you.

anyways, so as you beat up on enemies, you get speshul rocks that let you levelup if you line them up. this takes variable ammounts of time, since it can take anywhere from 3-7 enemies to levelup [since the rocks line up in a 3x3 matrix, so you can have as few as three to make a line, or as many as 6 without a line, needing one more to make the line, which actually makes 3 lines.]. so far i've reached level 42. boco is kicking ass and taking names. he invariably takes breaks to [and then i realized i missed red dwarf] do things like watch tv, listen to a cd player, take a nap, try to hit on the ky00t chocobo chyk, etc. oh dear. dr who is on. and.. its.. the sixth doctor.. the one who smiles too much. i dunt seem to recall them getting rid of the fifth doctor. i quite liked the fifth doctor. he had too much polyester. i hope they didnt change the interior decorations of the tardis again. hopefully it wont go back to the original one, where the tardis was a big black room with some machines. nope. same tardis. same ditzy chyk they picked up for no apparent reason. the one who got to replace both tegan and... ye gods this doctor cant act... i mean, come on. at least the fifth doctor could act.. and, no, please, not the shiney suit.. meh.. plaid.. and ultra-smart children with lame bowl-cuts.

man, this episode is odd. they've got the lucent technologies logo on their wrists. oh no. this just isnt right at all. why does the doctor have a .. ye gods, this is also the most paranoid doctor ever. he's killing perry. good. evil bitch deserves it. "mm. some odd powder is on the floor, better taste it." mm.. guess after six regenerations, yer mind just goes..

zang? are you recieving me? [01.08.00@22:46]

its not very often that i openly write about whats kicking around in my head. most of the time, my writing consists of me opening up editpad, loading up the rant.html, and just going. off on whatever i feel like, what i did that day, what's superficially new, why the radio is bugging me, the new episode of dr who, etc. today may get messy, and something tells me that i'm going to have to go on n/a or i'll never finish this.

lets jump right in. over the past few weeks [read: months] i've gone through many wonnerful stages of pain. all starting with one good incident gone horribly arwy. that snowballed into years of repression being released. flowing in ways that it probably wouldnt have, had it decided to be dragged out earlier. it came quick and violently, and resulted in the most pain i've ever had to deal with. pain i hope to never have to experience again, although i know i probably will. *sigh* also weakness, and disbelief. doubt too. lots of emotions i've simply never had to deal with. i've gone through essentially my entire life now never having to deal with any of this. the closest i got was occasional bouts with depression, and the happy-fun incident from last year.

aside from the wonderful fun experiences dealing with emotions i didnt know were allowed to exist, i've also been very out of character lately. generally, i pick up damn near everything. i'd be able to effortlessly keep conversations running, and recently i just havent been able to focus. too distracted with everything bouncing around. then theres the risks i've been taking. i never take risks. especially with things that have potential to go horribly horribly wrong. things that i simply cant take a chance on. i got to a point back in november where i put everything on the line, and from seeing my current situation, it accomplished nothing. hell, i put more than everything on the line. i put chances on the line. my entire basis of reality up unto that point had completely revolved around chance. pure bloody chance. possibility of something happening, or something changing for the good. never considered the bad, because i felt that would be the one thing where i wouldnt be pessimistic. and it all backfired on me. i got too deluded, and thought everything would be ok if i just sucked it up and jumped in.

when it actually all played out, no one expected it, and no one knew it would turn out as it did. with me broken, and everyone else moving on. this has gotten to the point where i feel bad about feeling bad for myself. to the point where i feel guilty for being selfish, guilty for feeling like crap about something i cant control anymore. something that i always thought would be an easy transition, since it was meant to be.

then the nice doubt kicks in some more.

the futility of this is also eating me alive. and my urge to keep fighting frankly scares me. everything i've been told to do, and everything i've thought i should do, i've done. i've done it with no dispute. blindly. the feedback i recieve is that it still isnt going to work, but in nice vague terms. also get nice added guilt, that i'm not paying attention. i mean, i try to help, i do everything in my power to progress towards the fading dream i've got. its still there. it's still flickering. but its fading. and no matter how much it seems i try, or how much shit i endure, its still on the horizon. just as far away as it was before the struggle. just as intangible. just as desireable.

and i feel just as empty.

i feel like i'm on an edge here. a point where things just are up in the air. things have been up in the air since november, i want it to come down, but i dont know how to land it. it still all wants to stay up there, testing me to see how long i cling on blindly. i keep trying to make it all the way up, but every time i pull myself up, my fingers are individually plucked from the ground. and whenever i write something like this, or start questioning, all i get is "well what should i do?". [01.11.00@18:10]

well, that was a waste of time. [01.17.00@19:26]

mm. nuffing new. this ish jusht filler, really. leik most of things. yay! skreeeenshot of x-news being wacky! and! and! orange drink! yeah! with antidepressants! mmm.. placebos.. [01.18.00@20:53]

uhm, i thought css didnt work like that. guess i was wrong. [01.23.00@13:37]

ugh. its generally not a good idea to do stupid shite when you know its only going to have double the effect. in other news, i'm officially opening up alt.foo.bar as my very own place to post mindless crap when i dont feel like writing it here, or over at agjk.

in other news from yesterday, i found out that i'm *far* too good at thish new turok game for the n64. but only if i'm playing as the raptor. one of the most fukking decrepit characters in the game. k'vn [and everyone else for that matter] really didnt like it when i got the swirley powerups like indivisimibility, or green jello-sheild, or plexiglass box. anyways, i'm going to go pass out now, seeing as i'm not quite sure how my body is going to feel like responding to this much echinacia. good thing i dont quite have to be conscious tomorrow. [01.23.00@21:20]