[ mood | vented. ]
I hate waiting.
I hate waiting for things to happen. And I hate having to snuff out my expectancy for things to happen. Just when I think I’m content with things the way that they are, I start getting all wistful about that "something more"
I don’t think it’s wrong to have aspirations. I think it’s quite healthy... but I also know that the things you should aspire to do are the types of things you can control. You can aspire to have a certain job; you can aspire to have a certain hobby; you can aspire to change your location. You can aspire to do these things because they are all reliant on your own personal actions. The amount of success that a person experiences in these areas is directly proportionate to the amount of effort that a person exerts towards their goal.
Being in a relationship is not something you should or can aspire to do. It’s completely out of your control... it’s just one of those things that either falls in your lap or passes you by.
I don’t aspire to be in a relationship... but sometimes I miss certain aspects of being in a relationship. Sometimes, mainly when I hear someone else talking about their relationship, I get a little caught up in thinking "how nice it would be to have someone think about me like that."
That’s definitely an improvement from my former thoughts on that subject. When a similar situation presented itself last year, I thought, "I’ll never be in a relationship like that. It’s not possible."
Now I know that I do deserve a relationship like that... but there’s a difference in deserving something and being owed something.
And life doesn’t owe anyone anything.
So, while wistful (or wishful) thinking isn’t wrong... it’s not something that I want to do often. Not with things like this; things that I have no control over.
Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between being hopeful and being expectant.
------------------------------------------
The other thing that can be brought to mind, when hearing someone talk about their relationships, is memories from your own. Unfortunately, someone else’s good memories usually make me realize that I’ve never really had something like that. Not in person.
And no matter how much time goes by, that part never really seems to stop hurting. That pain is less prominent with each recollection... but it still stings.
I guess I have this mentality that I’ve handled my feelings on the subject... and now they’ve gone away. And I’m always shocked when those feelings are still there... and it wasn’t that they ever went away... it’s just that I wasn’t prompted to think about them for a time.
I just hate remembering. I hate remembering the bad times because they hurt. And I hate remembering the good times because the good times weren’t enough to help the relationship work. I hate remembering the good times because it reminds you that you won’t be having anymore good times with that person. At least not anytime soon... and definitely not now.
Sometimes I hate how love never seems to die. Relationships can fade away... but the feelings are still there; buried deep down. I hate how you have to keep those feelings in check so that you can move on from one relationship, but you can’t really keep them buried because they serve as a defense against making the same mistakes in another relationship.
Bah.
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