[29 Sep 2002|12:11am]
[ mood | disappointed ]
"never been kissed" is such an awesome movie. that's what i was striving for... for saving that first kiss for my "penguin." but unfortunately not going to be the case for me.
my first kiss was horrible. it was with a scruffy loser with bad teeth and bad breath. i didn't want it. i didn't even ask for it. i didn't even send signals with my "eyes of love and war" *gag*... as a matter of fact, i was facing the other way right before it happened.
i was leaning up against the wall that divided the sound room from the main classroom in tv prod. i was watching the rehersals... probably looking at mikel or something... and not really paying much attention to what was going on around me. so i didn't even know that "he" had come up behind me until he reached his hand around my waist. i turned around sharply to see who it was and ended up with a tongue down my throat.
it was - and still is - one of the worst experiences of my life.
why do people put so little value in the significance of a kiss?
thinking back, i have never been asked permission for any of the initial kisses that i have received. not with words, not with looks, not with anything. as a matter of fact, i've only been asked twice... both times with a look... and both times, i turned them down. perhaps that's why men don't ask anymore... they don't want to be turned down. they'd rather just have what they want and move on.
if a kiss is not asked for, it is stolen. and while most people are flattered by the stealing of a kiss... i am appalled and heartbroken. you've just taken away something that was meant for another...
i'm appalled at myself for dating nick. not because he hurt me. not because the relationship failed. not for any typical reason at all.
i'm appalled at myself for giving away something precious. something meant for another... something meant for someone more worthy of my affections.
i dread the day that i will have to tell him that i once gave his love to someone else. i'm appalled at myself... no, i'm appalled at my actions for already hurting my future husband. he doesn't know it yet... and he'll probably forgive me when i tell him...
but that won't make the pain go away.
-----------------------------------------------
you have every logical right to think that i'm overreacting... to think that i'm being silly for being so concerned about the feelings of someone i've never met.
but my love is not logical. it strives to be christ-like. and even though i've messed up before... i can't do it again. i can't hurt this person anymore.
i can't hurt myself anymore.
-------------------------------------------
i have no idea why i'm writing any of this here.
»back