Instructions for Use

Before you begin, please read instructions thoroughly until you are sure you comprehend them clearly. Misuse of product may result in violent explosions, weepy breakdowns, or all-out expiration.

Instructions: Product may be used for a variety of purposes, such as home entertainment for dull moments, a personal diary for emotional moments, a punching bag for aggravated moments, and as a scale, for those times when you really want to know if you’ve noticeably lost or gained weight.

If you wish to use product between the hours of 11:00pm and 9:00am:
Peel fuzzy outer layer off of padded packaging. Product should be under outer layer, most likely curled into a ball, emitting a small wheezing noise and forming a small puddle around the feeding orifice. Important: shake well. If you do not shake the product, it will most likely ooze back into the packaging, having not preformed the task you desire. If this does happen, remove your shoes, rub feet on fuzzy outer layer, and touch product lightly on the neck. Once product is out of packaging, commence to use as you wish.

If you wish to use the product between the hours of 9:00am and 11:00pm:
Product may or may not be in packaging. If it is, please refer to the above. If not, product may be wandering around to exercise, feed, or relieve itself. You can call the product by trying to snap, or by jingling a small bag of skittles. Important: if you try to snap and succeed, try again until you aren’t making any sound. Once product is out of the packaging, commence to use as you wish.

Daily care: You product should be fairly self-sufficient, feeding itself, exercising itself, relieving itself, and clothing itself if you so wish.

However:

If there is a problem with feeding: the product may decide to stop eating regularly. If this so happens, you must make food for it. The product should start eating if food is put in front of it, but if not, you must try force feeding. If this doesn’t work either, wash yourself and manually insert a skittle into the feeding orifice. If this still doesn’t stimulate eating habits, put the products head on your shoulder and let it cry for a few hours.

If there is a problem with exercise: take fuzzy outer layer and roll into a whip. Then use this to stimulate product into moving. If that doesn’t work, trying dangling skittles in front of the product’s face.

If the product has a problem with cleaning up after itself after relieving itself: Important: make very sure to make the product know that you will not clean up after it.

If there is a problem with the product not wearing clothing when you ask it to: point at the product and start laughing like a maniac. Make rude whistling noises.

Warnings:

Do not store in temperature above 100 degrees F, or below 50 degrees F. Temperatures out of this rage may cause lasting and unreparable damage to the product.

Do not use the methods detailed above unless you really have a problem. Otherwise, you may create emotional problems that cannot be fixed.

Do not repeatedly touch product after rubbing bare feet on fuzzy outer layer. This may cause violent shock and make the product explode. If the product is not responding and will not get out of the packaging, please contact manufacturer.

Finally, and most important:
Do not use the product for any sort of sexual act without express permission from the product. The product is fully capable of contacting the manufacturer and other products if anything untoward occurs, and if the case calls for it, small scary girls with chronic PMS will be sent to your house to beat your head in.