It Could be a Giant Planet

Well slap me with a kipper and dunk me in caramel, it's the herald of the second coming! I never thought I'd see the arrival of the Giant Flying Pigs! The oceans with rise, the mountains will crumble, Jesus will jump out of Singapore and dance the watusey with a Russia walrus. The toilet water will spin the wrong way when it's flushed, and people will actually pay each other for blowing their noses.

We will be blighted by the killer pork. It'll crawl out of its packaging and suck our eyes right out of our heads, taking our other white meat in a pitiful attempt at revenge. Then the butterflies will come; it's chaos I tell you, chaos! Butterflies everywhere! Everywhere! They're closing in, nobody can breath. The colors man, the colors.

The time of judgment had come. Our lives are forfeit. We might as well all put on diapers and hit each other with rubber bats. Eat your turkey-flavored SPAM while you can, and use silk napkins, or else! Now is the time to be with your family, giving you cat a sponge bath, or growing your dog a second tail. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may fall down and go boom. Save your toe jam, it's your patriotic duty.

Beware, for the four horsemen of the apocalypse will come from the most unexpected places, spreading fear and fertilizer in their wake. Then Foogle, child of flowers, will appear from the great purple cloud and they will be named! Halipeneyo, Aggravator of the Five Ulcers; Trigonometrilus, Inflictor of Confusing Math; Pussimus, Clogger of Pores; and Biting Splinter, Lord of Unfinished Chairs. They shall ride forth, trailing the skins of balloon behind in their wake

We must join together in the armpit of Singsing and rally together if we wish to stop these catastrophic events. We must raise our voices like a trout swims upstream and yell our battle cry across the smog-ridden land. Only the most foul and idiotic of words will frighten off these ill-meaning spirits, so we must join hands, feet, paws, claws, or whatever else we have, and together we shall shout, "What up Mack Daddy?!"